7 more things, this time about persuasion

Please note the number. It will come up later.

Isn’t it strange how some people seem to get everything they want, while others get stuck at the gate?

Photo by Eric Mok on Unsplash

One key reason is that they likely have learned simple conversational tricks that help them control conversations to achieve their goals.

I admit: It took me an awfully long time to recognize these advantages.

Then, I had to go through a stage of being annoyed about it all, before I finally decided to copy them and work on my own development. I don't use them perfectly, but they've sometimes paid off, so now I’m happy to share seven of them with you:

1. They write down their goals.

It's hard to achieve a goal if you're not sure what your goal is. Actually, it might technically be impossible.

A close second is walking into an encounter with your goal in mind, but then losing sight of it.

For example, you think, “My goal is to sell five units.” But then other more emotional goals take over during the conversation:

• “I feel like they don’t like me. I want to be liked.”

• “I’m insulted. I want to put this guy in his place even if it costs me.”

• “I’m tired and annoyed, and I simply want the conversation to be over.”

Write down your goal. At the very least, memorize it and make it your mantra. That makes it a lot less likely that emotions will get you off track.

2. They say no to almost everything.

You can be polite about it — in fact, you usually should. But your default answer should usually be no for almost everything.

Why? Because “no” preserves the status quo, and it seems to me you’re doing just fine with the status quo. At the very least, it sounds like changing the status quo isn’t your idea or goal.

Please note that I said say no to “almost” everything. Because life is about new experiences and opportunities. Sometimes you open your eyes to something new. Moreover, sometimes you really do want to say yes in order to help people or spread kindness.

That said, people who say yes to too many things wind up overextended, unfocused, and (sometimes) feeling like they’ve been taken advantage of.

So, make “no” your default. Take emotions out of the equation, at least until you affirmatively decide to let them back in.

3. They try to be concise.

You know that old saying: “If I’d had more time, I would have written a shorter letter.”

I like that saying a lot. Maybe it's because I tend to write long.

I also like to think that Mark Twain said it, although there’s some dispute. Regardless, brevity is both the soul of wit and a key tool to make it more likely that you’ll get what you want.

It also makes it less likely you’ll get sidetracked. Think back to the first trick on this list, about writing down your goal. Do you want to write something long or short? If you only allow yourself so many words, you run less risk of getting sidelined.

I’m going to keep this point short, to drive it home.

4. They maintain the perception of focus on the other person.

Here, another old saying: “Sell the benefit, not the feature.”

It’s not just limited to sales, however. In general, people like to be heard. They like to be seen. They like to know how things will affect them (the benefit you can give them), more than they care about how they affect you (the feature you came up with).

They don’t like it when they tell you something about themselves, and you turn it into something about yourself.

• “I’m having a hard time dealing with an issue at work.”

• “I know how you feel. That reminds me of something that happened to me at work once … “

Short version: Don’t do that.

A final point on this one: Keep the focus on the other person, but keep your goal in mind.

Remember, the entire point of doing this exercise is to leverage emotions to achieve your objective. Looking at it from the other person’s perspective is a tool to help you get there.

5. They control the white space.

In conversations, white space usually means silence or pauses.

Studies have shown that on average, four seconds is the magic number. It’s the point where people start to feel (meaning their emotions guide them) that things are getting awkward, and they should fill the gap.

When silence can work to your advantage, use it.

Count to yourself: “1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … ”

More, even. Have a little fun with it.

Don’t be a conversational hero who gives up his or her goal by leaping to fill the awkward silence. Let the other person be the hero.

And give him or her the chance to move a bit closer to your position in the process.

6. They don’t assume people speak their language.

Want to know the worst way to start a serious conversation with an objective?

It’s if you ask something like, “How are you doing today?”

That question has an answer, and the answer, if the other person gives it honestly, takes you away from the central point: getting to your objective.

Greetings are fine. Great, even! Open-ended questions are not, assuming you want to control the flow.

Related: Think about the specific words and phrases you will use at the most important points of conversation, when you’re articulating your objectives.

An academic study earlier last year shed light on just how rarely people agree 100 percent on the meaning of words.

Take penguin, for example. We all know what a penguin looks like, right? But when asked to describe a penguin, only 12 percent of people described them the same way.

(Try it yourself. Ask the next few people you see: “Hey, apropos of nothing, is a penguin heavy or light? Is it noisy or quiet?” Etc.)

Another example:

• “Boy, I’d love it if you could try to have the kitchen remodel finished by the middle of June!”

• “We are hosting a huge, one-in-a-generation family reunion at our house on June 22. If the kitchen isn't done by then it's going to be an enormous problem.”

There’s a difference between the above two sentences. Don’t assume that if you say one, people will hear the other.

7. They structure their points using magic numbers.

Have you ever noticed that so many internet articles online contain lists of 3, 7, 9, 10, 12, or 17 items?

Some of these are prime numbers, but not all; some of them are odd numbers, but not all.

It’s hard to say why all of them work, but in general, the human brain is programmed to respond better to them.

Generally, the shorter the better. It’s why the rule of three works so well — group things in a set of three and people remember them. More than that, if you give them two items, they’ll expect a third.

If you can’t convey verbally everything in three points, do it in seven. Also, say up front and repeatedly that there are seven points, so that when you get to the fifth one, your listeners aren’t wondering if that’s the last one or if there are 20 more.

Perfect example: Yesterday's newsletter, in which the subject line was literally "7 things."

Or else today's subject: "7 more things."

Both days: Promised 7, delivered 7.

Now we're done.

Are you persuaded?

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7 other things …

• Fallout over racist jokes at President Trumps's New York rally grew Tuesday, as the head of Puerto Rico’s chapter of the Republican party and the Roman Catholic archbishop on the island demanded that Trump apologize personally. In an interview, Trump declined to do so, and described the rally as a success. “We had a ball,” Trump said. “That was the greatest evening anyone’s seen, politically.” (The Guardian, Politico)

• A federal judge in Pennsylvania threw out a lawsuit brought by six Republican congressmen seeking stricter scrutiny of ballots from overseas, including from members of the military. The lawsuit rattled members of the military, who had previously been an exception in Republicans’ attacks on mail-in ballots. (Washington Post)

• Kamala Harris drew a sharp contrast with Trump as she made her closing argument against the backdrop of the White House on Tuesday. Her campaign said that 75,000 people were gathered on the Ellipse and an overflow area. Those figures have not been confirmed with law enforcement. (Deadline)

• A California judge on Tuesday sentenced David DePape, 44, the man who broke into the home of Rep. Nancy Pelosi, the former House speaker, and attacked her husband with a hammer, to life behind bars without the possibility of parole. (NBC)

• A former Republican candidate for the House of Representatives from Indiana has been arrested and charged with a felony for allegedly stealing election ballots during a recent voting machine test. Larry L. Savage Jr., a primary candidate earlier this year, has since been released on a $500 cash bond. (Fox 59)

• American consumers are feeling quite a bit more confident this month as Election Day approaches, a business research group says. The Conference Board said Tuesday that its consumer confidence index jumped to 108.7 in October from 99.2 in September. It was the biggest monthly gain since March of 2021. Analysts had forecast a more modest reading of 99.3. (AP)

• A huge Mayan city the size of Edinburgh, Scotland has been discovered “by accident,” on Google, centuries after it disappeared under jungle canopy in Mexico. “I was on something like page 16 of Google search and found a laser survey done by a Mexican organization for environmental monitoring,” explains Luke Auld-Thomas, a PhD student at Tulane university in the US. (BBC)

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Thanks for reading. Photo credit: Photo by Allen Taylor on Unsplash. I wrote about some of this before at Inc.com. See you in the comments!