34 Comments

I think you’re being too hard on yourself.

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Oct 25, 2022·edited Oct 25, 2022

To be sure, the friend who asked the author to leave because her son was being too loud handled the situation very poorly. She definitely should have approached the author about the situation and given her a chance to intervene, calm her son, etc. if it was warranted. But her take on "blocking" people in life is absolutely brilliant and I wish more people would have this same "epiphany." Our world desperately needs more tolerance and discussion--it's how we learn from one another--and less assuming that everyone who disagrees with you is "toxic" or "evil." The realization, "...that people disagreeing with me is not abuse. Arguing is not abuse. Being criticized is not abuse," is SO urgently needed right now. And creating echo chambers by cutting out everyone who disagrees with you is only perpetuating division with increasingly negative repercussions.

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I read your newsletter every day and have never commented. This hit home. My older son (47 years old ), with whom I have often disagreed on political issues, has blocked me from his life. Due to my politics I am now toxic and he doesn’t engage with me anymore. Although I have often disagreed with his political opinions, I have always been open to a relationship. It seems quite ridiculous, as well as selfish, to cut your mother out of your life due to a difference of opinion.

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founding

Wow! Good for the writer. Her self realization was profound. My father used to tell me “What we see in others is an image of ourselves”. Communication is something we all need to do with each other, differences are great and discussing them with each other is even greater.

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“Toxic”, “narcissist”, these were definitely words that came up in many conversations I’ve had with friends, family, my therapist in the past….I agree with you in that we all want to push blame away from ourselves and onto others. Two years ago I went to the extreme and “blocked” ALL of Facebook by deactivating my account and deleting all my other social media accounts because I felt like too many toxic people were affecting my mental health and I wanted to try to change that by simply running away. I had the same goals that you mentioned: I would have more face to face (or face to screen with FaceTime because I was still not leaving my home much due to Covid) interactions with old friends and have real conversations, I would call my older relatives and send them photos of my children directly to their phones instead of just posting the photos one time on Facebook where they all could see them all at once. And that all did happen a little bit, but about the same amount as it happened before I rage-quit FB. About a month ago, I realized I was way more isolated from people who are important to me than I was when I interacted with them on FB. Even if it was just mediocre interaction on FB, it was still more than the interaction I was having with them without FB. So I got back on FB, and boy was I surprised at just how much I had missed. Friends got divorced and/or married, babies were born, anniversaries and new jobs or houses! And I missed all of it because I was cutting out “toxic” people. I realized that I CAN use social media for good. I didn’t have to let every little thing upset me. I could get off my high horse and get back to just being a normal person who needs socialization in an age where most people like me, who work and take care of multiple children who are involved in everything under the sun, only have the time or energy to post pictures one time to FB instead of to multiple Aunts or cousins or old friends along with a phone call explaining whatever was happening in those photos. I think things are just different now and I have to adapt to them in a way that keeps me sane. It up to me and me alone.

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We’ve been WF customers for nearly 20 years and rarely shop anyplace else unless it’s for bananas or some other item we need to pick up. Our criteria for moving is to have a WF within 45 minutes or less. Their organic produce is unmatched elsewhere in terms of quality and abundance, the seafood is fresh, and the 365 line provides quality, organic products and prices much better than brand names.

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My eldest son has Level 1 autism and used to have melt downs (mostly crying) at events like this. I had to extricate him from one party on my own. This mother behaved atrociously in my opinion. But I get the point of this post. Embrace constructive conflict before blocking. I think blocking has become so easy because 'friends' are viewed as disposable sources of entertainment, honestly. It's a reflection not only of our increasingly conflict-averse, positivity-first bullsh*t culture but also of our loss of truly reciprocal, mutually obligated friendships built over years that stand impervious to one kid's austic freak-outs.

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I can't consider it "appallingly stupid" to mention whether something in Harry Potter is anti-Semitic. I take offense at that. Anti-Semitism is on the rise all over the world, stronger and more vocal at any time since World War II. Harry Potter is read by millions. You do the math.

Clearly, this woman has issues. She needs to learn how to communicate in a respectful but assertive way. If she has learned how to do that instead of canceling everyone she knows, good for her. I just hope she doesn't do it in a way that is dismissive of Jews or other minorities.

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Yeah, but I…said to myself when I first read this. Then I remembered the marriage counselor in my ex-husband and my session. Each time I would make a statement,he would not listen, only interrupt with “yeah, but I “. Finally even the counselor got frustrated and blurted out: “But cancels everything out!” He later apologized, but there you have it. You can’t listen and think impartially, or make decisions if you are only including yourself. A natural tendency perhaps, but a hill to climb over.

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A good friend of mine worked for Red Bull on the marketing team in the product's early days in the US market. He said this about his boss (shared here with his permission) which I thought was a beautiful tribute:

"Working for Dietrich Mateschitz at Red Bull in my early 30s literally saved me. Dietrich’s way of driving a brand was what allows me to bring all my creativity to play and allowed me to simply be all of me - ADHD, dyslexic and entrepreneurial. I would not be who I am today if it wasn’t for that freedom, that encouragement to be an aggressive risk taker if it was not for this one man and his mission to challenge business as usual. Such an imperfect and shy and sometimes kind of awkward guy who built a near perfect brand and created a home for all of us wayward children."

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founding

Facebook is the enemy

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In a highly social media dominated world recognizing that face to face interactions can be a healthier choice is a breath of fresh air.

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Wow.

Best article ever, incredibly well written & will be placed with my "Dear Abby" best of the best articles.

Thank you Bill.

Sincerely

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Thank you so much for this wonderful post. I really had an epiphany after reading it. It brought back one of the Hermetic principles “as within so without”. Instead of automatically blaming the other person for the toxicity, perhaps we need to tone down our ego and do some introspection and reflect on the interaction or incident. A lot of us are going around trying to make our lives perfect and more zen. Instead of trying to establish some type of a relationship it’s just easier to block people. Relationships are not all “sunshine, lollipops, and roses.” Most meaningful things in life require some effort. Most of the time the things we put effort into are the things which give us the most joy and satisfaction. What I need to constantly remind myself is, in some way, we are all connected beings. No man is an island. Thank you for this wonderful reminder. Namaste.

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Family before friends,

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Spot on

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