Can you watch my laptop while I go to the bathroom?
Not the first time I've told this one, but a new reason and hook.
I shared this real-life joke last September, but it's apt today. Also, if you knew me in real life, you'd know I repeat some of my favorite stories all the time. It goes like this.
I was writing something on my laptop at Starbucks when nature called. So, I turned to a woman sitting nearby and sort of half-asked, half-pantomimed:
I'm going to run to the bathroom for a second, can I trouble you just to keep an eye on my laptop?
Sure, she said, not knowing that she was helping with the setup for an all-time classic Bill Dad Joke:
"If anyone tries to take them, I'll need you to please tackle them and just hold them here until I get back."
Ha ha, right? Only, I started laughing, and it got louder, and it couldn't stop.
I realized at that moment -- and reader, this was at least five years ago -- that I had been using that same joke on unsuspecting fellow patrons in Starbucks around the world for at least 10 or 15 years before that.
History doesn't repeat, but it sure does rhyme.
Since I've written entire books and other book-length projects at various not-exactly-pristine tables in coffee shops, I feel like I could qualify as an expert witness if called to testify about the saga of Starbucks and its bathroom policy.
The whole thing changed radically last month, so let's just do a quick recap:
Time immemorial: Starbucks was basically like every other business. Customers could use the bathroom. Non-customers could also use the bathroom, sometimes. Keep it clean, don't use it for other purposes (use your imagination. Basically make it so telling you that you can't use the bathroom would be more of a pain than just letting you go ahead.
April 2018: A Starbucks manager in California called the police on two Black men who were waiting for someone else, hadn't ordered anything (yet), and had the temerity to use the bathroom. It was captured on video, things went viral, and Starbucks had a racism scandal on its hands.
May 2018: Starbucks shut down every coffee house for an afternoon in order to run a racism training program for all employees. Meanwhile, then-CEO Howard Schultz was on a panel at the Atlantic Council, and was asked a lot of questions about the Starbucks bathroom policy.
Here's what he said -- sort of off the cuff:
"In terms of the bathroom -- We're going to have to make sure that we don't want to become a public bathroom, but we're going to make the right decision 100% of the time, and give people the key.
Because we don't want anyone at a Starbucks to feel as if we are not giving access to you to the bathroom because you are 'less than'. We want you to be 'more than.'"
Did he mean to make company-wide policy with that remark? Regardless of intent, he did — and suddenly it was the rule that nobody could be refused the right to use the bathroom at any Starbucks anywhere.
June 2023: I should mention in here that a white Starbucks district manager on the other side of the country -- in Philadelphia -- won a $25.6 million judgment against Starbucks, on the grounds that in the wake of the California incident, Starbucks treated its white managers less generously than its nonwhite managers.
January 2025: After one of the worst years in Starbucks corporate history, performance-wise, the new Starbucks CEO, Brian Niccol, announced a new policy: If you want to use the bathroom, buy something first.
Look, in some places, I doubt this is much of an issue. If we’re talking about a Starbucks in a suburban strip mall, the odds are good that most people who walk in looking to use the bathroom are in fact, customers.
But in places like New York City and other urban areas, finding a public bathroom when you really need one can become a contact sport.
It’s not a new problem. Actually -- just to share another story that I've shared before -- I wrote here in 2021 about the history of public bathrooms.
The short version (although, why not read the long one?) is that we've almost never been able to figure this out. Probably the closest we came was the rise of European-style public pay toilets like they have in Europe (and maybe other parts of the world).
But in the 1970s, student activists opposed the very idea of paying to do what people had to do, especially because it was often only the women's rooms that required people to drop a dime into a little mechanical slot. In response, we got rid of them altogether.
Big chains like McDonald's and eventually Starbucks were fruitful and multiplied, and they filled the need for a while, but now we are where we are.
Somewhere out there is a person who will find a solution. I suggest an app that would allow people to pay a monthly or yearly subscription and then use their phones to unlock the public bathrooms in thousands of restaurants and other establishments around the country.
The businesses would get more traffic and a cut of the subscriptions, in exchange for making sure their facilities were clean and available.
I'd do it myself, but let's be honest: I've spent the last few months just trying to launch a few new verticals in my newsletter; odds are that I'm not going to suddenly shift gears and become the father of the modern restroom.
But I will keep using my "do me a favor and tackle them" joke.
So, what do you guys think about the Life Story Magic idea? We have a few answers to our new question so far, not that many. Maybe it's an especially personal one to ask so early in the process. But if you'd like to share, I’d like to read:
Have you changed your mind about faith or religion over the years? If so, how?
Honestly, I have something to say about this, so we won't be hurting for content next Wednesday when we have the next installment. I'll just have to see how brave and reflective I can be.
Jump in with me, if you like! Leave your answers here, or call (762) 250-5433.
7 other things worth knowing today
President Trump on Wednesday said he had spoken with Russian President Putin about ending the war in Ukraine. Ukraine wasn't on the call, but Trump said he spoke with Ukrainian President Zelenskyy afterward. The conversations occurred as U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told foreign leaders that a return to Ukraine's pre-war borders is an "unrealistic objective" in peace talks, as was NATO membership for Ukraine. Related: Tulsi Gabbard was confirmed as Director of National Intelligence. Her swearing-in ceremony was overshadowed by Trump making news about his plans to “immediately” close the Department of Education. (ABC News, The Independent)
Why is this year’s flu season so bad? Doctors weigh in on symptoms and prevention. (Today)
American roads have grown deadlier, but the toll on pedestrians has been disproportionate. From a record low in 2009, the number of pedestrians being killed by vehicles rose 83 percent by 2022 to the highest it's been in 40 years. During that time, overall traffic deaths increased by just 25 percent. Now, a new study from AAA has identified a number of common factors that can explain why so many more pedestrians have died. (ArsTechnica)
Belarus has released three people, including an American and a journalist, who had been detained for more than three years. The name of the American and the alleged offense for which the person was held were not disclosed by the White House. But, Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty identified one of those freed as one of its journalists, Andrey Kuznechyk, who was arrested in 2021 near his home in Minsk as authorities there launched a multipronged crackdown on the country’s independent media. (AP)
Inflation picked up for a fourth straight month in January amid another rise in in food and energy costs, possibly setting the stage for a year of halting progress in the battle to slow consumer price increases as President Donald Trump rolls out myriad import tariffs. (USA Today)
These are the 50 most common four-digit PINs leaked on the dark web—make sure none of them are yours. Fortunately my locker combination from 1986 is not one of them. (CNBC)
How a North Korean went from begging on the streets of North Hamgyong at 9 year old, in one of the country's poorest provinces, to defecting to South Korea and starting in a K-pop band. (BBC)
Thanks for reading. Photo by David Sager on Unsplash. I wrote about some of this before at Inc.com. See you in the comments!
I suspect more people change their thinking about religion than don’t. It may not be foundational or profound, but we all tend to move away from what we were told as children.
I certainly have. I was raised by folx who saw their religion as a solution to their parents’ issues with alcohol and other things. They subscribe to a very fundamental version of Christianity, which I was questioning by my teens. We attended church at least three times a week and had daily devotions and bible studies.
The more I grew to know about the world and the people in it, the more I questioned the likelihood of there being only one true faith. I read the texts from most major religions and was struck by how similar they were. I came to see religion as a way for people to make sense of their worlds, and to create fellowship, which fills human needs but is hardly divine.
As I continued to learn about history and human relations, it became clear that religion has more often been used to divide and destroy than to create true community or compassion. I attended gatherings of many different religions. Very few people of any faith actually practice what they preach. But all of them are sure they know the Truth.
For me, actions are far more important than the attribution of said actions. I have not attended any church in decades. It causes too much cognitive dissonance.
Do the right thing. It’s what matters.
I could go on for hours with examples, but my goal is not to tell anyone what to believe. My hope is that always folx find meaning somewhere but mostly that we strive to treat each other well.
Bathrooms, the availability or lack thereof was brought home to me when my boys and I made our trip to Scotland in 2022. For a few months that year I had been having issues with my lower GI plumbing that were not at all pleasant. Episodes could have a rapid and unexpected onset so making the two week trip was challenging that many of my friends thought was brave; maybe foolish but brave nonetheless. Anyway, things had gone well for the majority of the trip. The last couple of days there we were in Edinburgh out to find coffee when disaster struck. There was no pucker string strong enough to prevent the disaster that was happening out in public. Fortunately, my oldest son was with me so he got on the phone to his brother to explain what was happening and to go back to our rooms and retrieve a change of clothes for me. Now here’s where I can tie in a bit of “religion”. So we’re standing there not knowing what to do when walking toward us came an older lady in some sort of city uniform and she stopped and asked if she could help us find anything. We sort of laughed and started to explain the situation. Well, this angel took charge of everything. She made my son take off the scarf he was wearing so she could wrap it around my backside then she walked behind me and walked me into an adjacent store, up the escalator and into the family bathroom that fortunately was available. Son Sean and I thanked her profusely as I locked myself inside and began assessing the damage done and trying to do what I could to clean myself up with a giant wet wipe that Sean was carrying in his backpack.
While I’ve never been overly religious, I have tried to find something within the three main denominations I’ve spent the most time in; Episcopalian, Presbyterian and Unity(non-denominational). I can honestly say I’ve tried really hard to find something within those communities that spoke to my heart. Oh, I made friends there and was very active in all three but there was still a void. Somehow though I’ve always studied different religious tenets and found them interesting but have always realized that they have, down throughout the ages, have been divisive and almost as destructive as inspiring. So for my own personal “thing” I rather like the saying that I heard Neil deGrasse Tyson say on Nova(I think)that “We are stardust” and since we are created from energy, that energy isn’t ever lost, only changed(1st law of thermodynamics). And Angels? Yes, I’ve had angels come into my life many times. They were human but were there when needed.