26 Comments
Feb 24, 2022Liked by Bill Murphy Jr.

I truly can't imagine having to make this decision, and I sincerely hope I never face anything as heartwrenching as this. I'm the type of person who will go out of my way to help anyone, often at my own expense (not just financially, but physically, emotionally, mentally) but never anything this extreme. I think it's good to keep a healthy perspective on things...even when I face difficulty or challenges, I try to remember there are others who have it much worse. From now on, when I face a tough decision, I will think of this woman and be grateful that (hopefully) it's certainly not anything of this magnitude. Virtual hugs to this woman for being brave enough to even consider such a donation instead of issuing an outright refusal, and for any feelings that she may live with in the aftermath.

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Feb 24, 2022Liked by Bill Murphy Jr.

Thanks to you for saying yes to the “never answered no” story. It was so well written and heart wrenching to read. Thank you.

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Feb 24, 2022Liked by Bill Murphy Jr.

I can't imagine the range of emotions you went through. There are very few people who will/can relate to your issues. I remind my husband, who has difficulties making difficult decisions, that not making a decision is really deciding. You are deciding to not do something. Sometimes that is the answer at the time.

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Feb 24, 2022Liked by Bill Murphy Jr.

As we as a society get more and more technology as well as more changes in things that were once private (such as open records of adoption) ethical dilemmas people could not imagine decades ago are now coming to the forefront. It is wonderful, of course, to have organ donations and for the most part, the ability to locate your biological parents but questions such as these, then occur. I honestly do not know what I would have done.

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Feb 24, 2022Liked by Bill Murphy Jr.

For me, what jumps out is the "a few months later, she died". The story is incomplete. Not saying YES after 3 months is seems tantamount to saying NO, but doing it in such a way as to avoid conflict or guilt. So what happened during those 3 months... you two just exchanged recipes? For me, story incomplete.

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Feb 24, 2022Liked by Bill Murphy Jr.

All I can say is WOW! What an incredible story. We all certainly have a lot to think about these days... always wondering what we would do if... Right now, for me, I pray.

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Feb 24, 2022Liked by Bill Murphy Jr.

Thanks to you, Bill. Thanks also to Lisa. This article is exquisite in it's honesty and vulnerability. It forces us to ask questions of ourselves, and empathize with both women. So much better than the trivial and self centered dribble available to us in most other online publications. Cudos and blessings to you and your staff.

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The article breaks my heart. I received a kidney transplant 2006 from an unknown person who passed under unknown to me conditions. Prior to the transplant my doctors advised me not seek a living donor. They indicated I could put another person in my situation. It all worked out and I am still doing great. I also feel horrible about someone dying alone. That breaks my heart. Be at peace you never said yes you never said no.

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This story left me breathless. Tough, tough dilemma, in every dimension: morally, emotionally, physically, etc. blessings to all of you, your deceased Mom included

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Most of us will eventually encounter a situation where there is no clear cut ‘yes’ or ‘no’; make a decision based on information available at the time, including emotional information. Sometimes, there is no ‘good’ answer; and no answer is an answer. Our older selves might doubt or admonish our younger selves; it’s easier to make a judgment from a distance; perspective can make the decision clearer; think: it’s not personal - but it’s often personal to someone. In my journey with ‘my guy’ (and his lurking ugly progressive disease) I find choices have sometimes been impossible for both of us, while sometimes clearer for those on the periphery. There isn’t always a ‘right’ answer except to listen, be kind and do one’s very best when faced with impossible choices. And when it’s done, remember to be kind with one’s self. (I’ve sat on the floor in the middle of the night sobbing as a caregiver looked on helplessly; feeling I / we could not exist this way one more minute - all the while knowing we somehow would until something was so irretrievably broken we’d be forced to accept the unacceptable) life can be messy.

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Feb 24, 2022Liked by Bill Murphy Jr.

Bill, you know as well as I, that there are so many questions an adopted child may have to answer as they get older. There are more that they will seek answers to. I can't imagine one of my kids being in that position, but they are being raised to be charitable, compassionate yet, logical thinkers. If they are ever asked for something like this, I know they will not be quick to decide, but will be thoughtful and meticulous in weighing the possible outcomes. I've met the birth parents of my kids. I pray that one never has to ask the question and that one will never find us to ask it. Thanks to Lisa for telling her story.

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founding

I truly thank you for sharing your story. The hardest part was to read you never got to answer the question that was thrusted upon you. You were placed in a difficult situation and yet she had no other place to turn.

Life is filled with the unexpected and we are never really prepared for it. Be gentle with yourself. Inside you, you do have your answer. And with that you will find your closure. Enjoy every moment with your precious grandson

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Feb 24, 2022·edited Feb 24, 2022

My first thoughts were :

1)if this is a hereditary situation, then the daughter could be at risk and her grandson would have to make a similar decision, and

2) could the mother not have been put on the donor list for a kidney (or she might have been rejected from the list due to age or not having taken care of herself).

When decisions are made to give up your children for adoption, there are certain rights and privileges you give up too. Luckily, the mother found a good home for her children. But my guess, is that if the daughter sought out the mother for medical purposes, that the mother probably assumed that that opened a two way street.

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Feb 24, 2022·edited Feb 24, 2022

I wish she had researched organ donation a little more in depth. You can be a living donor and have a normal life afterward. That would have gone a long way toward giving her peace of mind and hopefully helped her reach a final decision. She would have had all the information about the time involved, her recovery, and her mother’s chances for survival in order to choose the right path. Sometimes no is the right answer, even in such dire circumstances. (Afterthought: was the brother asked?) I speak from the perspective of someone waiting for a liver transplant. (No, not alcohol; Hepatitis C destroyed my liver after I received a blood transfusion to save my life after a car wreck when I was 18. I’m 67 now. Harvoni cured the HCV.) For varying reasons, my children will not be donating to me: health, family obligations—but mostly, it’s a private decision. And if you’re approached and your answer is “no”, you should NEVER feel guilty. If you’re in a position to say yes, wonderful! And yes, I’m a registered organ donor too. 🙂

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I would have said no…not out of meanness, but out of practicality…she did give you life, but it was a life to live wisely…which you did by your decision not to put your own family in harm’s way….be well and please don’t stress over your wise decision.

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Feb 24, 2022Liked by Bill Murphy Jr.

I am an ultruistic kidney donor, meaning I donated one of my kidneys to a stranger I have never met. I don’t even know her name.

Living kidney donation is a very personal thing. It’s not wrong or right to deny one’s own organs to someone in need. You will know in your heart if it’s the right thing to do.

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