Thank you so very much for today's post. Rarely do people work in a silo without working for someone or having people who report to you. As an administrator in a school, both of these conversations, and many other types, are encountered on a daily basis. Tough conversations absolutely must be handled with care and respect!
"I disagree" seems honest in many cases, but often it is simply a peer-to-peer political shut down tool designed to delay decisions or projects the disagree simply has no time or interest in. I see this in business a lot. It can be totally insincere disagreement for other reasons.
With Tough conversations one sometimes has to use finesse just to get the other person not to stonewall.
“We need to talk” gets stonewalled. “Could you help me with something?” Gets interest and many times changes the energy so a well-thought-out approach to a delicate subject gets some airtime.
Another alternative to “We need to talk” is “Can we talk about X sometime today? When’s a good time?”
It communicates respect for the other person’s time and allows them to feel less ambushed/gives them more control over a potentially uncomfortable conversation.
Excellent advice for a better personal, and, business life. Very practical. Now if I could only remember them all. Perhaps I’ll write the points down on my palm before my next important interaction. Thanks Bill!
"Help me understand..." I had a former boss who would use that phrase. All of us on her team knew that it meant she probably didn't like our idea very much but was willing to hear us out. It was respectful and encouraging, rather than shutting us down.
Yeah, that definitely happens, and would not be good. I have used it because I may not agree and want to hear/gather more information to consider. It has allowed me to pause before responding with a critical comment. A way to take a breath and maybe learn something new.
In my early 20s, I was attending a month long conference in DC. One weekend, I was working on my car and asked to borrow a tool from a near by resident. He looked at me for what seemed like a long time and finally said, slowly and intentionally, "You....look....like....the....kind of person....who....would....bring it right back...when you were finished with it. So....I'm.....going to let you borrow it."
My first thought was, "You're not a very good judge of character are you? I'm terrible about losing tools."
But it turned out that I didn't want to invalidate his opinion of me. I thought more about getting that tool back ASAP than about not having had lunch.
The fact that he granted me respect when I didn't deserve it, affected how I thought about other people's property ever after.
“I understand what you are saying.”
“If I hear you correctly, you are saying ___________ .”
“Would you be willing to ______________ .”
Thank you so very much for today's post. Rarely do people work in a silo without working for someone or having people who report to you. As an administrator in a school, both of these conversations, and many other types, are encountered on a daily basis. Tough conversations absolutely must be handled with care and respect!
" I truly believe you have the best insight here, can you help"
"How can I help"
"I disagree" seems honest in many cases, but often it is simply a peer-to-peer political shut down tool designed to delay decisions or projects the disagree simply has no time or interest in. I see this in business a lot. It can be totally insincere disagreement for other reasons.
Do a follow up thank you. “Thank you for your input yesterday.” “Thank you for making the time…” “That was a bold idea, thanks for bringing it up!”
My mother taught me from a young age “Respect and be respected”. It’s a two way street and it’s necessary to ensure you have others respect.
When giving a compliment, be honest, specific, and start with I, not you.
Actions speak louder than words.
With Tough conversations one sometimes has to use finesse just to get the other person not to stonewall.
“We need to talk” gets stonewalled. “Could you help me with something?” Gets interest and many times changes the energy so a well-thought-out approach to a delicate subject gets some airtime.
Is it me you want to talk with?
Some nut created a new account with *almost* my name and photo and spammed all these comments. Sorry!
You probably want to tell everyone else. Sorry for this mess.
Another alternative to “We need to talk” is “Can we talk about X sometime today? When’s a good time?”
It communicates respect for the other person’s time and allows them to feel less ambushed/gives them more control over a potentially uncomfortable conversation.
Excellent advice for a better personal, and, business life. Very practical. Now if I could only remember them all. Perhaps I’ll write the points down on my palm before my next important interaction. Thanks Bill!
"Help me understand..." I had a former boss who would use that phrase. All of us on her team knew that it meant she probably didn't like our idea very much but was willing to hear us out. It was respectful and encouraging, rather than shutting us down.
Love this one...
I had a peer who only used this phrase when they were being critical of how something happened.
Yeah, that definitely happens, and would not be good. I have used it because I may not agree and want to hear/gather more information to consider. It has allowed me to pause before responding with a critical comment. A way to take a breath and maybe learn something new.
Yes. And respect is probably the hardest one to receive of all.
No, but thanks for asking.
love reading your article especially about RESPECT, and about disagreeing in an agreeable way.Thanks
In my early 20s, I was attending a month long conference in DC. One weekend, I was working on my car and asked to borrow a tool from a near by resident. He looked at me for what seemed like a long time and finally said, slowly and intentionally, "You....look....like....the....kind of person....who....would....bring it right back...when you were finished with it. So....I'm.....going to let you borrow it."
My first thought was, "You're not a very good judge of character are you? I'm terrible about losing tools."
But it turned out that I didn't want to invalidate his opinion of me. I thought more about getting that tool back ASAP than about not having had lunch.
The fact that he granted me respect when I didn't deserve it, affected how I thought about other people's property ever after.
"I want to be mindful of your time"