I know how you feel

Wait, you should never say that!

A young guy at the gym recently asked me why I always do push-ups on my knuckles.

Is it because they're harder that way? he wanted to know. Or maybe it's to build up callouses on your fists in case of a fight?

Not exactly, I replied. It's because I’m not getting younger, and my 50-year-old wrists (50-years-plus, let’s be honest) hurt like heck if I try them any other way!

"I know how you feel!" the young guy replied, and he started talking about some of his own workout-related aches and ailments.

It was at this moment that I knew what I'd be including in today's newsletter.

Not me. Also, it’s surprisingly hard to find a stock photo of someone doing push-ups on their knuckles.

Not because I wanted to open with a humblebrag about how many push-ups I can do, but because that 5-word phrase is the subject of one of the most controversial articles I’ve ever written.

I’ll adapt it a bit below. It came to me after reading my colleague Justin Bariso's book, EQ Applied, about emotional intelligence.

The theory is that “I know how you feel” builds a wall between people, rather than a connection, because:

• (a) you can’t often truly understand what someone else feels, and

• (b) the phrase subtly turns the conversation toward your experience, and away from the person you’re speaking with.

A sociologist named Charles Derber suggests it’s because the key to displaying empathy in a conversation is to ask yourself whether you're offering a “shift response” or a “support response.” (More bullet points):

• A shift response involves an attempt to guide the conversation toward your life experiences, and away from the experiences of the person you're ostensibly listening to and perhaps even trying to help.

• A support response sets aside your ego, and instead keeps the focus on the other person's feelings and experience.

Examples:

1. “My boss doesn't respect me.”

• Shift response: "I went through the exact same thing last year. I wound up leaving and finding a better job."

• Support response: "I'm sorry to hear that. What makes you feel that way?"

2. “If I could just get organized, I'd have the world on a string.”

• Shift response: "I know. I have the same problem."

• Support response: "What do you think stops you from being organized?"

3. “I'm so sad since my breakup.”

• Shift response: "You just need to get back out there and start dating again."

• Support response: "What do you think stops you from being able to move forward?"

Derber calls the whole phenomenon of well-meaning people shifting the discussion to their own experience, “conversational narcissism.”

(Is that a $20 phrase to describe a $1 problem? Maybe. But I kind of like it.)

To be clear, this is not a universal opinion. In fact, this old article blows up once in a while on Facebook or LinkedIn (never Twitter/X, for some reason).

When it does, I can be guaranteed to see some pretty diverse opinions. (“A frank exchange of views,” as diplomats say.)

Still, I’m on board enough that I try to avoid it—except when I forget.

And I notice when other people use it.

So to the whippersnapper who asked about my push-up form (in fairness, he was in much better shape than I am), I can't offer much advice on that front.

But I do know my words.

What do you think? If I’m running a website and newsletter called “Understandably,” this seems like something I ought to try to get right.

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7 other things worth knowing

We’re in low power mode … which basically means I’m on vacation this week, but I like to keep the newsletter going. However, I don’t always have time to update the “7 things” section. See you next week!

• President Donald Trump announced Monday that he was placing the D.C. police under direct federal control and will deploy the National Guard to the streets of Washington to fight crime, an extraordinary flex of federal power that stripped city leadership of its ability to make law enforcement decisions and could expose residents of the nation’s capital to unpredictable encounters with a domestically deployed military force. (The Washington Post)

• The Trump administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow officers to arrest suspected illegal immigrants in Southern California because of how they look, what language they’re speaking and what kind of work they’re doing, factors that federal judges have found to be baseless and discriminatory. (San Francisco Chronicle)

• Americans with a collective $1.6 trillion in student loans are required to make payments again after five years of pandemic-era leniency measures, but only a third of those receiving bills are actually paying them. (Bloomberg)

• From Starbucks to Smoothie King, restaurants seek to cash in on consumers’ protein frenzy. (CNBC)

• Las Vegas has shown yet another worrying sign that it's on the decline as soaring prices and tourist boycotts have driven visitors away. Tipping in Las Vegas has plunged by as much as 50 percent. Workers are blaming a sharp drop in visitors, which they say has left them with fewer customers and lower pay. (Daily Mail)

• A group of masked thieves stole about $7,000 worth of Labubu dolls from a Los Angeles-area store this week, authorities said. Labubu dolls, created by Hong Kong-born artist Kasing Lung, have become a popular collectible item a decade after the toothy monsters were first introduced. “We are still in shock,” the store said in its post, urging people to help find the thieves. (WTOP)

• Feel sticky this summer? It’s been record muggy East of the Rockies. (AP)

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Thanks for reading. Photo by Gabe Pierce on Unsplash. I wrote about some of this before at Inc.com. See you in the comments.