I worked for lawyers for over 20 years. The most successful ones were able to joke around with their opponents or at least have empathy for them. So I totally agree with you. I just wish Congress would go back to doing that. For decades politicians were able to come to agreements that might not have been perfect, but at least had give-and-take qualities to them. The us v. them attitude will doom us for sure.
I once stunned a colleague who loved 60 minutes style meetings with customers, going down a list of prepared questions, by finding out the critical answer we needed. It came in the middle of my chatting with them about hunting trips, fishing boats and kids. Then I eased into the have yo heard that someone in the industry has ...... and without hesitation they said it was them. My colleague kept asking how I got them to answer, and I said you have warm up and build the relationship. And then of course beers
always a good read! When I read about the convergent process it makes me think about the way it can also generate an opportunity to be curious - which I find to be one of the best and traits that someone can have (IMO). If people were a little more curious and interested (not always interesting), you could have deeper conversations. I speak to the importance of this often in my practice with the people I work with because it opens up the chance for so many more conversations. And it sounds like you were ahead of your time in law school!
I learned a negotiating/sales technique (after all, sales and negotiations are basically the same thing) called the hourglass during my work life. The top half of the hourglass (the wider the more time involved) is filled with convergent questions to develop a conversation regarding needs and wants. By the time you arrive at the middle of the hourglass (the least amount of time) the other party has already vocalized your position on their own after you led them there.
The rest of the hourglass opens up again as you spend time on all the followup and implementation.
I can attest to the effectiveness. Just watch whenever you are in a sales situation, especially with big ticket items.
As someone who has been negotiating for decades, I can tell you that the best way to get what you want is to establish good-term relationships. People have this mistaken idea that a good negotiator or businessperson is tough and cold. In fact, the opposite is true. The warmer and friendlier it gets, the more progress you will make. Works every time. It's a better way to do business and a better way to live. It means operating from a positive base instead of a negative, standoffish one. It doesn't mean you can't be passionate or unyielding about things that really matter. It does mean that you are more likely to win on those points if you are reasonable about everything else. But start with upbeat calm and reason. Have the attitude of expecting a good outcome. If they don't come in with the same attitude, tease them until they lighten up. Be audacious. Try anything, but do it from a positive base. Remember that they are humans with feelings. Always, always be respectful, never condescending or rude. Have a sense of humor, by all means, and use it wisely. Some things are not funny. The end result of a good negotiation is that everyone gets most of what they want, but not all. Compromises have been made. Both sides walk away happy. And when you look back on it, you realize it was fun. Challenging, maybe, but you enjoyed it and feel proud that you were a worthy adversary.
Bill, you totally deserved a "high pass" for that negotiation. You were ahead of your time, and the professors were stuck in old school, "because we've always done it that way" teaching. You may not have known it at the time, and may have been completely disinterested in the assignment, but you blazed a trail for others who took that class.
When I was in HS we had to do a demonstration as part of a public speaking course. I sat and watched demos that ran the gamut from fascinating (although seen it before) to bor-ing...I was struggling to come up with a demo that wouldn't get lost in the mix, and would help to elevate my grade. I was kind of a slacker.
That afternoon, eating Oreos, I decided I was going to do a demo on how to eat an Oreo cookie, using three different options. 1. spin open and eat the frosting first, then dunk the cookies. 2. dunk the entire cookie and eat. 3. smash the cookies, put the crumbs in the milk and drink it. I brought 2 boxes in with me and got a bunch of milks from the cafeteria that I poured into small cups for each of the other students and the teacher. Then I passed out 3 cookies to each person. I did the demo, stopped for everyone else to follow along as I went through each option, then passed out the rest of the cookies so we could all eat them in our favorite way. It was the only demo in that public speaking class that had audience participation - ever. Years later I bought a car from that teacher. His first words to me were, "remember the Oreo cookie demo?"
Bill, you were ahead of your time. I am a strong believer in the convergent process. If someone honors me with sharing a difficult moment they have it is not for me to give them an answer. How am I to really know what is right for them, but asking what does that mean, or could you reframe your thought so I can understand it better, leads to their path of finding what is best for them hopefully.
Convergent vs. parallel conversation - brilliant. I often walk away from a conversation feeling very unsatisfied, in fact I just had one, and now I can point to it being a very parallel conversation! Thanks Bill! You should have gotten an A++ for your insight.
Bill, earlier in life I was a volunteer on a suicide hotline. The training was pretty intense. You would have gotten a high pass there. That's precisely what they drummed into our heads (and hearts). Your theory is right on. BTW, tell me how you feel about that experience.
Funniest thing, this is what FBI interrogators know and use. They found that getting to know the Guantanamo inmates yielded far more credible information than did the hard-assed method of water boarding.
I worked for lawyers for over 20 years. The most successful ones were able to joke around with their opponents or at least have empathy for them. So I totally agree with you. I just wish Congress would go back to doing that. For decades politicians were able to come to agreements that might not have been perfect, but at least had give-and-take qualities to them. The us v. them attitude will doom us for sure.
I once stunned a colleague who loved 60 minutes style meetings with customers, going down a list of prepared questions, by finding out the critical answer we needed. It came in the middle of my chatting with them about hunting trips, fishing boats and kids. Then I eased into the have yo heard that someone in the industry has ...... and without hesitation they said it was them. My colleague kept asking how I got them to answer, and I said you have warm up and build the relationship. And then of course beers
always a good read! When I read about the convergent process it makes me think about the way it can also generate an opportunity to be curious - which I find to be one of the best and traits that someone can have (IMO). If people were a little more curious and interested (not always interesting), you could have deeper conversations. I speak to the importance of this often in my practice with the people I work with because it opens up the chance for so many more conversations. And it sounds like you were ahead of your time in law school!
I learned a negotiating/sales technique (after all, sales and negotiations are basically the same thing) called the hourglass during my work life. The top half of the hourglass (the wider the more time involved) is filled with convergent questions to develop a conversation regarding needs and wants. By the time you arrive at the middle of the hourglass (the least amount of time) the other party has already vocalized your position on their own after you led them there.
The rest of the hourglass opens up again as you spend time on all the followup and implementation.
I can attest to the effectiveness. Just watch whenever you are in a sales situation, especially with big ticket items.
As someone who has been negotiating for decades, I can tell you that the best way to get what you want is to establish good-term relationships. People have this mistaken idea that a good negotiator or businessperson is tough and cold. In fact, the opposite is true. The warmer and friendlier it gets, the more progress you will make. Works every time. It's a better way to do business and a better way to live. It means operating from a positive base instead of a negative, standoffish one. It doesn't mean you can't be passionate or unyielding about things that really matter. It does mean that you are more likely to win on those points if you are reasonable about everything else. But start with upbeat calm and reason. Have the attitude of expecting a good outcome. If they don't come in with the same attitude, tease them until they lighten up. Be audacious. Try anything, but do it from a positive base. Remember that they are humans with feelings. Always, always be respectful, never condescending or rude. Have a sense of humor, by all means, and use it wisely. Some things are not funny. The end result of a good negotiation is that everyone gets most of what they want, but not all. Compromises have been made. Both sides walk away happy. And when you look back on it, you realize it was fun. Challenging, maybe, but you enjoyed it and feel proud that you were a worthy adversary.
Empathy versus sympathy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw&t=4s
Bill, you totally deserved a "high pass" for that negotiation. You were ahead of your time, and the professors were stuck in old school, "because we've always done it that way" teaching. You may not have known it at the time, and may have been completely disinterested in the assignment, but you blazed a trail for others who took that class.
When I was in HS we had to do a demonstration as part of a public speaking course. I sat and watched demos that ran the gamut from fascinating (although seen it before) to bor-ing...I was struggling to come up with a demo that wouldn't get lost in the mix, and would help to elevate my grade. I was kind of a slacker.
That afternoon, eating Oreos, I decided I was going to do a demo on how to eat an Oreo cookie, using three different options. 1. spin open and eat the frosting first, then dunk the cookies. 2. dunk the entire cookie and eat. 3. smash the cookies, put the crumbs in the milk and drink it. I brought 2 boxes in with me and got a bunch of milks from the cafeteria that I poured into small cups for each of the other students and the teacher. Then I passed out 3 cookies to each person. I did the demo, stopped for everyone else to follow along as I went through each option, then passed out the rest of the cookies so we could all eat them in our favorite way. It was the only demo in that public speaking class that had audience participation - ever. Years later I bought a car from that teacher. His first words to me were, "remember the Oreo cookie demo?"
Thank you. Very helpful as I prepare for some difficult conversations ahead of me. This is one of your best newsletters, at least from my perspective.
Bill, you were ahead of your time. I am a strong believer in the convergent process. If someone honors me with sharing a difficult moment they have it is not for me to give them an answer. How am I to really know what is right for them, but asking what does that mean, or could you reframe your thought so I can understand it better, leads to their path of finding what is best for them hopefully.
FYI - I like the bad jokes. : )
Convergent vs. parallel conversation - brilliant. I often walk away from a conversation feeling very unsatisfied, in fact I just had one, and now I can point to it being a very parallel conversation! Thanks Bill! You should have gotten an A++ for your insight.
Bill, earlier in life I was a volunteer on a suicide hotline. The training was pretty intense. You would have gotten a high pass there. That's precisely what they drummed into our heads (and hearts). Your theory is right on. BTW, tell me how you feel about that experience.
Funniest thing, this is what FBI interrogators know and use. They found that getting to know the Guantanamo inmates yielded far more credible information than did the hard-assed method of water boarding.