My sympathies go out to the man whose father committed suicide after retirement. In the wealth management business we can focus too much on the numbers and not enough on the emotional side of retirement, and having done this for 40 years I have seen a number of clients struggle with retirement.
My father, who worked for Exxon in an oil refinery for 35 years seemed to be doing fine when an early retirement “ reduction in force” offer came his way. About three months into retirement he called me one day and said “I slept until 8 am this morning”…
I took the bait and asked “ What’s so bad about that” and he replied “ If I had slept until 8 for the last 35 years someone from the refinery would have called your mother to see what was wrong with me, but now nobody cares”. Fortunately, or not, my mother had later developed some medical issues that made her more dependent on him and he had new “purpose” around his household, but I will never forget that call and the power of having a purpose to get up every day has on one’s mental well being.
thanks for sharing his story. Its an important one. A reminder of how fragile we can become in life when we go through a a major life transition that affects us in profound ways that possibly we never considered. It's again the 4th quarter planning that should be planned like the first 3. Its remarkable how much of our identity is wrapped up in our work - which isn't necessarily a bad thing - as long as its balanced or integrated into other important facets of life. Being in the mental health business (17 years and counting), it's important that taking care of our emotional and mental well-being needs to be at the top of the list, with the other things that are important in life.
This is a good story to share and that was brave of him to do so. It was probably was cathartic to write it. Often retirees don't miss the work, they miss the people. I have 3 sons myself. A man's identity is often deeply rooted in their job. This is how they were brought up. I think younger men this is less the case and it's a good thing. In some ways men had advantages but on the other side they had a lot of pressure to be strong and successful. They often did not have anyone to be vulnerable with and showing vulnerability was out of the question, that was weakness. This person had a good Dad and that is a blessing but what a sad ending. A cautionary tale
Hard to do but I'm glad you did find the strenght to tell your dads story. A lot to unpack there and hitting very close to home for me. Not so much the suicide but I've seen the emptiness of loss of purpose in so many friends and colleages who've retired "cold" in the past few years.
The "cold" I see as going from full speed to no speed. From a fixed daily routine with to do's and humans to bounce off inside and outside the workplace to PJs, dog walks (although I suspect the canine would be OK with seeing more of you), unlimited golf and the best tee times. But that's not sustainable. If you've punched 30 years that's like a 3 or 4 month sabbatical. Desperatley needed but then what? Time to get back to .....work? No - that's done.
So how about a "warm" retirement. You warm up the car in the winter, you warm up before exercise, you warm up to asking the military dad for her hand (wait another story for another time) but you get my drift here. It's time I believe for considering formal semi- or '"warm" retirement plans at workplaces. Maybe Tuesday to Thursday in your last year with no loss of benefits or contributions to retirement savings plans. Couple that with "Now What" programs to formally ask that question and pressent ideas and options. Not just financial planners but life coaches, fitness/wellness folks and signifcant others in the mix of these programs. Be good for them to know what is coming!
I have,as you can probably discern, given this some thought. On the personal side I've got a few irons in the fire as retirement approaches. I'm writing a book of short strories, beefing up my teaching chops (Masters) to teach part time, and I'm looking a doing some voice over work. And yes there will be more golf and ballroom lessons. (another story there on that combo).
I saw my dad live for retirement. He truly hated his job, especially being demoted to a clerk job at age 50, after being a mechanic throughout his career at the Ministry of Natural Resources. My dad was no office worker, but his seniority saved him from getting pink slipped very near retirement. Luckily for him, he could retire at age 53 and went on to work as an independent contractor installing satellite dishes and even putting up communication towers, work he loved doing. If he had kept working at the MNR, he may not have lived that long as he was a ticking time bomb working there, so stressed. He waited till retirement to do what he loved, what he did part-time until approximately age 70 at which time his health began to fail him. So Dad really started living in retirement, without the confines of the 8 to 5 soul-sucking grind.
If you must do a job you don't like, even hate, hopefully you can do like my dad and retire early to do what you love.
Even better, I feel, work at something you don't feel the need to retire from.
I took a buyout from a 40 year newspaper career - 35 of those years with the same company - nearly five years ago. We also downsized our excessively large home that we loved and moved to a warmer climate and lower cost of living. Fortunately, I had been on a journey of self-discovery for several years as I watched the newspaper industry deteriorate. As a result, I was already leaving behind my work identity.
My purpose is to enjoy each day. My wife and I love to take long hikes with our poodle in the winter and bike when it is warmer. Yoga fills in on other days. We enjoy a leisurely morning with coffee and the news. The library is our friend. I love to cook so we enjoy preparing high quality meals at home and spend the restaurant money on good wines. We stream perhaps 1.5 hours in the evening. We also manage my late 80s parent’s finances. I say all this to demonstrate that we rarely have time to do all the things we would like. Our days are full.
I am not limited to what I did to earn money for 40 years. What I am is a curious person that enjoys a variety of interests, an stress-free life and the flexibility to enjoy every day. Your purpose can be one thing or many things. I choose the latter.
“Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.”
I have been retired for 20 years. I have been involved in several volunteer activities that keep me busy with a purpose in life. I have very few if any boring days. Traveling is fun but after awhile it can get tedious and a hassle. Currently, I am involved with a local political committee and the town Conservation Community, Treasurer in a sailing club, and a member of a local organization that advocates for community Sustainability. The nice thing about volunteering is that you do what you want and you can change it without
too much hassle. The key to a good retirement is to keep busy doing something you enjoy and get satisfaction from it. You get to be your boss!
This is a good article, Mr. Understandably. We should all be scared of A/I. It is not a requirement for a happy and content life. Really too bad about those nurses. I think many hospitals are near broke and will claw back anything they can. They want the power to hire or fire you for any reason but don't want you to be able to make those decisions.
Excellent story about "retirement" and attachments and identity. In my early 70's I have been retired for 8 years. I have few close friends. I do have an older than me girlfriend who might become my wife. I don't have a lot of money or possessions. I don't have a house or condo or fancy car. I have a few health problems but don't let them overcome me...although eventually they probably will.
I have faced the down and dirty fact that I will pass on one day and I have no initiative to go out and chase life after retirement. I don't care about leaving my mark. I am relatively happy and have torn up my bucket list which is pretty much just crossing off things on a to-do agenda. I pretty much just putz around with few real goals or things I gotta do before I die. By "social" standards I have live a relatively boring life and so what? Boring is in the mind of the bored. I have very, very, very few regrets.
I never became attached to work, or anything I might have done as an identity. Your identity is not your spouse, friends, family, possessions, accomplishments, your past, your job, titles, trophies, awards, money, power, influence or health. You came into this world with nothing, and you will leave with nothing. You just are and life just is. Sure, emotions are part of living...but in the end I doubt your spirit is emotional for it exists with the absence of all else and therefore is pure love.
When you are psychology nothing, you can be anything you want to be. Boredom and depression is nothing more than your false self (EGO) trying to trick you into having an identity and when you lose that identity, you begin to think there is no further reason for living. At least that's my takes on things. I have no real purpose because I am not afraid to not have one. My being here is purpose enough because it matters not out of all the 100 billion people who have lived on this orb, who was or is number one or number 100 billion.
“If you have a job that you love, you’ll never work a day in your life“
(You’ve probably heard that phrase a few times.)
I was fortunate my entire life. I seemed to find myself in situations that required either adapting to change or falling behind (ie. Layed off/fired). Somewhere along the way a mentor, friend, or a manager reminded me that the only way to get along … was to go along.
When the time came for me to retire, my wife and I had already decided, that leaving the big house and getting to what we would consider our dream house would be the proper move. We found an old dilapidated farm and fell in love with the possibilities.
Yes, I play golf occasionally (twice a week, lol) my wife still works. I keep busy around the property. It’s not for everyone. I was never blessed with a quick mind or incredible business acumen.
I always pursued activities or career paths that appealed to me. All of which happened to have been centered on my hobbies: photography and computer technology. It served me well to know that I was prepared for change at every turn thanks to others who saw the future in a better way than I ever could.
Don’t think for one minute that I don’t realize how lucky I have been.
If you’re in a place that just doesn’t appeal to you and there’s something you’ve always wanted to try, just do it. Prepare yourself...get a job working in an auto parts store. If you want to learn to become a mechanic, that’s the best place to learn sometimes. I think you get the point.
Bill, thanks for sliding over and letting somebody else drive.
Taking a very deep breath before I go on with my day. Grateful for having a personally generated deep sense of purpose. Thank you Mark for writing your story and Bill for sharing it here.
I think that whole "I am what i do for a living" is most intense in men and in Baby Boomers. If a Boomer meets someone for the first time, the first question is "What do you do for a living?" If two people of younger generations - Gen X, Millennials or Gen Z - meet, their first question is much more likely to be "What kind of music do you like to listen to?" or something else that is NOT about work. A more balanced approach to life perhaps? And retirement is not just about money, for sure. Volunteering can be a wonderful way to help your community and feel valued at the same time. There are a lot of communities with programs to tap in to the professional skills of retirees to help local nonprofit organizations. Definitely gives you a sense of purpose and recognition of your expertise, while still allowing you time to pursue other interests, sleep in, travel, whatever.
Here’s a. Conversely story. My mother died when I was 11. Being the oldest girl of a farm family,I became the one who did laundry with no hot water, washer/dryer, indoor plumbing,etc. Three siblings, father and blind grandfather. Marriage, son killed in auto accident, divorce, daughter bludgeoned to death by ex-husband, raised her two children, became a National Victims Advocate, went to Washington several times. Retired and put it all behind me, bought a little place in FL. My goal was to RETIRE from it all. It’s a good and peaceful life, all about ME! What you retire FROM MAKES THE DIFFERENCE.
This story struck a deep cord with me. Bill, this my first time commenting on one of your stories.
I am in the middle of my career as a Firefighter, I am married with young children, my job is extremely physically and mentally demanding, and most of my co-workers endlessly ruminate over retirement and how to leave the career as early as possible with the best financial foundation. The reality is, that many of us do not enjoy long retirements. We are more than twice as likely to get cancer as the general population (due to toxic chemicals and products of combustion that we’re exposed to). But more importantly, the job requires so much from us, that many of us lose our purpose in retirement. Just like the writer’s father at the tile store, we are constantly seeking freedom from the one thing that is defining our identities.
I don’t have any answers, just wanted to share that I am sympathetic to the plight of the writer and his family in mourning the loss of his father.
Thank you, Mark, for sharing your story and thank you, Bill, for bringing it to us.
For several years I had the opportunity to give seminars to folks planning their retirement. I assumed that everyone in the audience actually wanted to leave their "job" and spend the rest of their lives living a perpetual vacation. But after reading a study by John W. Osborne (University of Alberta) titled Psychological Effects of the Transition to Retirement, it was clear that this was probably not the case, and maybe not a good thing to do.
For instance, as part of my presentation I would ask how many people in the audience wanted to live to be 100. A few hands went up. Then I would set a condition. If you could be assured of good health and high levels of energy, how many would like to live to 100 ? Almost every hand would go up. No big surprise.
Then I followed up by putting this into perspective. Assuming that we reach adulthood at age 20 and live to 100, the midpoint of our adult lives is age 60. At that point, we have half of our lives yet to live ! And the hard part is over. We have established careers, we have earned a measure of financial security, our children are grown and on their own, etc, etc, etc. The hard part is done ! And now we can live the second half of our lives as we wish, with the benefit of our experience, knowledge, and mature judgement. It was amazing to see the facial expressions on my audience when they saw their lives described this way. They ranged from smiles, to head nodding, to furrowed brows, to "deer in the headlights". Ha !
Importantly, it seemed to change the very definition of "retirement" from a mandatory change to a voluntary one. For those who were happy doing what they were doing, it was ok to just keep doing it. For those looking forward to the change, it was time to start practicing for the "second half" (similar to what JW has said above about a "warm" start).
I no longer give these seminars, but I can attest to the things that I used to talk about that have made my own retirement enjoyable and fulfilling. Actually, after some thought, there is really just one overriding element that creates the deep, fundamental happiness that fills every moment of my life. It is the loving relationships I have with the people that surround me. My life still has meaning, perhaps even greater meaning even though old friends and previous endeavors have changed. I have 32 years to 100. Can't wait to experience what the future holds. :-)
My sympathies go out to the man whose father committed suicide after retirement. In the wealth management business we can focus too much on the numbers and not enough on the emotional side of retirement, and having done this for 40 years I have seen a number of clients struggle with retirement.
My father, who worked for Exxon in an oil refinery for 35 years seemed to be doing fine when an early retirement “ reduction in force” offer came his way. About three months into retirement he called me one day and said “I slept until 8 am this morning”…
I took the bait and asked “ What’s so bad about that” and he replied “ If I had slept until 8 for the last 35 years someone from the refinery would have called your mother to see what was wrong with me, but now nobody cares”. Fortunately, or not, my mother had later developed some medical issues that made her more dependent on him and he had new “purpose” around his household, but I will never forget that call and the power of having a purpose to get up every day has on one’s mental well being.
Thank you for sharing that story.
I am very alert to this after my father had early retirement due to a takeover. So I talk with all of my clients near retirement age to develop
a hobby or interest before retiring. Even women are having this problem with “having a purpose” now.
thanks for sharing his story. Its an important one. A reminder of how fragile we can become in life when we go through a a major life transition that affects us in profound ways that possibly we never considered. It's again the 4th quarter planning that should be planned like the first 3. Its remarkable how much of our identity is wrapped up in our work - which isn't necessarily a bad thing - as long as its balanced or integrated into other important facets of life. Being in the mental health business (17 years and counting), it's important that taking care of our emotional and mental well-being needs to be at the top of the list, with the other things that are important in life.
This is a good story to share and that was brave of him to do so. It was probably was cathartic to write it. Often retirees don't miss the work, they miss the people. I have 3 sons myself. A man's identity is often deeply rooted in their job. This is how they were brought up. I think younger men this is less the case and it's a good thing. In some ways men had advantages but on the other side they had a lot of pressure to be strong and successful. They often did not have anyone to be vulnerable with and showing vulnerability was out of the question, that was weakness. This person had a good Dad and that is a blessing but what a sad ending. A cautionary tale
Hard to do but I'm glad you did find the strenght to tell your dads story. A lot to unpack there and hitting very close to home for me. Not so much the suicide but I've seen the emptiness of loss of purpose in so many friends and colleages who've retired "cold" in the past few years.
The "cold" I see as going from full speed to no speed. From a fixed daily routine with to do's and humans to bounce off inside and outside the workplace to PJs, dog walks (although I suspect the canine would be OK with seeing more of you), unlimited golf and the best tee times. But that's not sustainable. If you've punched 30 years that's like a 3 or 4 month sabbatical. Desperatley needed but then what? Time to get back to .....work? No - that's done.
So how about a "warm" retirement. You warm up the car in the winter, you warm up before exercise, you warm up to asking the military dad for her hand (wait another story for another time) but you get my drift here. It's time I believe for considering formal semi- or '"warm" retirement plans at workplaces. Maybe Tuesday to Thursday in your last year with no loss of benefits or contributions to retirement savings plans. Couple that with "Now What" programs to formally ask that question and pressent ideas and options. Not just financial planners but life coaches, fitness/wellness folks and signifcant others in the mix of these programs. Be good for them to know what is coming!
I have,as you can probably discern, given this some thought. On the personal side I've got a few irons in the fire as retirement approaches. I'm writing a book of short strories, beefing up my teaching chops (Masters) to teach part time, and I'm looking a doing some voice over work. And yes there will be more golf and ballroom lessons. (another story there on that combo).
My two cents for today.
I saw my dad live for retirement. He truly hated his job, especially being demoted to a clerk job at age 50, after being a mechanic throughout his career at the Ministry of Natural Resources. My dad was no office worker, but his seniority saved him from getting pink slipped very near retirement. Luckily for him, he could retire at age 53 and went on to work as an independent contractor installing satellite dishes and even putting up communication towers, work he loved doing. If he had kept working at the MNR, he may not have lived that long as he was a ticking time bomb working there, so stressed. He waited till retirement to do what he loved, what he did part-time until approximately age 70 at which time his health began to fail him. So Dad really started living in retirement, without the confines of the 8 to 5 soul-sucking grind.
If you must do a job you don't like, even hate, hopefully you can do like my dad and retire early to do what you love.
Even better, I feel, work at something you don't feel the need to retire from.
I took a buyout from a 40 year newspaper career - 35 of those years with the same company - nearly five years ago. We also downsized our excessively large home that we loved and moved to a warmer climate and lower cost of living. Fortunately, I had been on a journey of self-discovery for several years as I watched the newspaper industry deteriorate. As a result, I was already leaving behind my work identity.
My purpose is to enjoy each day. My wife and I love to take long hikes with our poodle in the winter and bike when it is warmer. Yoga fills in on other days. We enjoy a leisurely morning with coffee and the news. The library is our friend. I love to cook so we enjoy preparing high quality meals at home and spend the restaurant money on good wines. We stream perhaps 1.5 hours in the evening. We also manage my late 80s parent’s finances. I say all this to demonstrate that we rarely have time to do all the things we would like. Our days are full.
I am not limited to what I did to earn money for 40 years. What I am is a curious person that enjoys a variety of interests, an stress-free life and the flexibility to enjoy every day. Your purpose can be one thing or many things. I choose the latter.
“Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.”
- Aldous Huxley
I have been retired for 20 years. I have been involved in several volunteer activities that keep me busy with a purpose in life. I have very few if any boring days. Traveling is fun but after awhile it can get tedious and a hassle. Currently, I am involved with a local political committee and the town Conservation Community, Treasurer in a sailing club, and a member of a local organization that advocates for community Sustainability. The nice thing about volunteering is that you do what you want and you can change it without
too much hassle. The key to a good retirement is to keep busy doing something you enjoy and get satisfaction from it. You get to be your boss!
This is a good article, Mr. Understandably. We should all be scared of A/I. It is not a requirement for a happy and content life. Really too bad about those nurses. I think many hospitals are near broke and will claw back anything they can. They want the power to hire or fire you for any reason but don't want you to be able to make those decisions.
Excellent story about "retirement" and attachments and identity. In my early 70's I have been retired for 8 years. I have few close friends. I do have an older than me girlfriend who might become my wife. I don't have a lot of money or possessions. I don't have a house or condo or fancy car. I have a few health problems but don't let them overcome me...although eventually they probably will.
I have faced the down and dirty fact that I will pass on one day and I have no initiative to go out and chase life after retirement. I don't care about leaving my mark. I am relatively happy and have torn up my bucket list which is pretty much just crossing off things on a to-do agenda. I pretty much just putz around with few real goals or things I gotta do before I die. By "social" standards I have live a relatively boring life and so what? Boring is in the mind of the bored. I have very, very, very few regrets.
I never became attached to work, or anything I might have done as an identity. Your identity is not your spouse, friends, family, possessions, accomplishments, your past, your job, titles, trophies, awards, money, power, influence or health. You came into this world with nothing, and you will leave with nothing. You just are and life just is. Sure, emotions are part of living...but in the end I doubt your spirit is emotional for it exists with the absence of all else and therefore is pure love.
When you are psychology nothing, you can be anything you want to be. Boredom and depression is nothing more than your false self (EGO) trying to trick you into having an identity and when you lose that identity, you begin to think there is no further reason for living. At least that's my takes on things. I have no real purpose because I am not afraid to not have one. My being here is purpose enough because it matters not out of all the 100 billion people who have lived on this orb, who was or is number one or number 100 billion.
“If you have a job that you love, you’ll never work a day in your life“
(You’ve probably heard that phrase a few times.)
I was fortunate my entire life. I seemed to find myself in situations that required either adapting to change or falling behind (ie. Layed off/fired). Somewhere along the way a mentor, friend, or a manager reminded me that the only way to get along … was to go along.
When the time came for me to retire, my wife and I had already decided, that leaving the big house and getting to what we would consider our dream house would be the proper move. We found an old dilapidated farm and fell in love with the possibilities.
Yes, I play golf occasionally (twice a week, lol) my wife still works. I keep busy around the property. It’s not for everyone. I was never blessed with a quick mind or incredible business acumen.
I always pursued activities or career paths that appealed to me. All of which happened to have been centered on my hobbies: photography and computer technology. It served me well to know that I was prepared for change at every turn thanks to others who saw the future in a better way than I ever could.
Don’t think for one minute that I don’t realize how lucky I have been.
If you’re in a place that just doesn’t appeal to you and there’s something you’ve always wanted to try, just do it. Prepare yourself...get a job working in an auto parts store. If you want to learn to become a mechanic, that’s the best place to learn sometimes. I think you get the point.
Bill, thanks for sliding over and letting somebody else drive.
Taking a very deep breath before I go on with my day. Grateful for having a personally generated deep sense of purpose. Thank you Mark for writing your story and Bill for sharing it here.
I think that whole "I am what i do for a living" is most intense in men and in Baby Boomers. If a Boomer meets someone for the first time, the first question is "What do you do for a living?" If two people of younger generations - Gen X, Millennials or Gen Z - meet, their first question is much more likely to be "What kind of music do you like to listen to?" or something else that is NOT about work. A more balanced approach to life perhaps? And retirement is not just about money, for sure. Volunteering can be a wonderful way to help your community and feel valued at the same time. There are a lot of communities with programs to tap in to the professional skills of retirees to help local nonprofit organizations. Definitely gives you a sense of purpose and recognition of your expertise, while still allowing you time to pursue other interests, sleep in, travel, whatever.
Here’s a. Conversely story. My mother died when I was 11. Being the oldest girl of a farm family,I became the one who did laundry with no hot water, washer/dryer, indoor plumbing,etc. Three siblings, father and blind grandfather. Marriage, son killed in auto accident, divorce, daughter bludgeoned to death by ex-husband, raised her two children, became a National Victims Advocate, went to Washington several times. Retired and put it all behind me, bought a little place in FL. My goal was to RETIRE from it all. It’s a good and peaceful life, all about ME! What you retire FROM MAKES THE DIFFERENCE.
This story struck a deep cord with me. Bill, this my first time commenting on one of your stories.
I am in the middle of my career as a Firefighter, I am married with young children, my job is extremely physically and mentally demanding, and most of my co-workers endlessly ruminate over retirement and how to leave the career as early as possible with the best financial foundation. The reality is, that many of us do not enjoy long retirements. We are more than twice as likely to get cancer as the general population (due to toxic chemicals and products of combustion that we’re exposed to). But more importantly, the job requires so much from us, that many of us lose our purpose in retirement. Just like the writer’s father at the tile store, we are constantly seeking freedom from the one thing that is defining our identities.
I don’t have any answers, just wanted to share that I am sympathetic to the plight of the writer and his family in mourning the loss of his father.
Thank you, Mark, for sharing your story and thank you, Bill, for bringing it to us.
For several years I had the opportunity to give seminars to folks planning their retirement. I assumed that everyone in the audience actually wanted to leave their "job" and spend the rest of their lives living a perpetual vacation. But after reading a study by John W. Osborne (University of Alberta) titled Psychological Effects of the Transition to Retirement, it was clear that this was probably not the case, and maybe not a good thing to do.
For instance, as part of my presentation I would ask how many people in the audience wanted to live to be 100. A few hands went up. Then I would set a condition. If you could be assured of good health and high levels of energy, how many would like to live to 100 ? Almost every hand would go up. No big surprise.
Then I followed up by putting this into perspective. Assuming that we reach adulthood at age 20 and live to 100, the midpoint of our adult lives is age 60. At that point, we have half of our lives yet to live ! And the hard part is over. We have established careers, we have earned a measure of financial security, our children are grown and on their own, etc, etc, etc. The hard part is done ! And now we can live the second half of our lives as we wish, with the benefit of our experience, knowledge, and mature judgement. It was amazing to see the facial expressions on my audience when they saw their lives described this way. They ranged from smiles, to head nodding, to furrowed brows, to "deer in the headlights". Ha !
Importantly, it seemed to change the very definition of "retirement" from a mandatory change to a voluntary one. For those who were happy doing what they were doing, it was ok to just keep doing it. For those looking forward to the change, it was time to start practicing for the "second half" (similar to what JW has said above about a "warm" start).
I no longer give these seminars, but I can attest to the things that I used to talk about that have made my own retirement enjoyable and fulfilling. Actually, after some thought, there is really just one overriding element that creates the deep, fundamental happiness that fills every moment of my life. It is the loving relationships I have with the people that surround me. My life still has meaning, perhaps even greater meaning even though old friends and previous endeavors have changed. I have 32 years to 100. Can't wait to experience what the future holds. :-)